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Gritty, Franklin, and Hip-Hop are out on bail. The Rocky statue has not pressed charges. ◆ Blooper exited the Waymo at a Chevron on Windy Hill Road. He has not been seen since. ◆ Mr. Met hospitalized. Again. ◆ The Phillie Phanatic's 7 a.m. affirmation ended fourteen seconds early. He did not address it. ◆ Noc-A-Homa has forgiven Ted Turner. He asked that we not print this. ◆ Wally the Green Monster has gone back inside the wall. The door is latched from the inside. ◆ Mrs. Met had the tortellini al ragù. She described it as 'appropriate.' ◆ Sir Purr has not come down from his cat tree. The Panthers have not asked him to. ◆ Rampage is training his successor. He refers to the successor as 'the project.' ◆ TC Bear was spotted outside a pharmacy. He said it was for a friend. ◆ Iceburgh has requested that the arena drain the ice early. The arena has complied. ◆ Chief Wahoo has re-branded his argument to the "Me as Well Movement" ◆ Italy's puppy mascot has gone home to Abruzzo. He is not taking calls. ◆

Ongoing Coverage of Recent Sorrow

Swoop Has Pectile Dysfunction. Philly Knows.

NFL — Philadelphia Eagles

😭😭😭 crisis level

Swoop Has Pectile Dysfunction. Philly Knows.

The proud mascot of the Philadelphia Eagles confided in his therapist. The therapist violated his patient confidentiality rights.

Jul 30, 2026 — re: Swoop

Further Reports from the Field

Soccer / FIFA World Cup / USMNT

Banner Spoke Up. Then He Was Punished for Being Thirsty.

The USMNT mascot issued a statement about Balogun's suspension being lifted. Twenty-four hours later, he was charged with vandalizing the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool.

Jul 9, 2026 😢😢😢 deeply sad

Soccer / FIFA World Cup / Mexico

FIFA Has Concerns About Merlín. Merlín Has Concerns About FIFA.

Mexico's unofficial mascot was barred from Wednesday's match under FIFA's animal welfare policy. He has, on balance, context for all of it.

Jun 26, 2026 😢😢😢 deeply sad

NHL / Las Vegas Golden Knights

Chance is Watching Schindler's List on Repeat

The Vegas Golden Knights mascot has been in his basement since Sunday night. Sources close to Chance describe the scene with some difficulty. Nobody has gone down there.

Jun 16, 2026 😭😭😭 crisis level

NBA / San Antonio Spurs

The Salesian Sisters Question God

The Salesian Sisters of St. Bosco have attended Spurs games since 1999 — five championships, three decades of devotion. Sunday morning they entered the chapel with a question for God.

Jun 14, 2026 😭😭😭 crisis level

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