Duke's Blue Devil On a Bender to End All Ender Benders
Following UConn's stunning upset of the No. 1 seed Blue Devils in the Elite Eight, the Duke mascot has been out and about Shia LaBeouf style. Authorities in the DC metro area are asking the public for help.
WASHINGTON, DC — It has been almost half a week since Duke’s Blue Devil was last seen in a condition that could be described, charitably, as somewhat normal. In that time, according to a timeline assembled from police reports, bar tab receipts, and four separate Ring camera submissions, he has cut a path through the greater Washington DC metro area that authorities are calling “unprecedented in scope” and “genuinely hard to follow, logistically.”
The Blue Devil could not be reached for comment. Nobody knows where he is. That is the whole problem.
The Night Of
Sources place the Blue Devil at Capital One Arena until approximately midnight on the night of the loss, at which point he disappeared from the building and resurfaced fourteen hours later at a dive bar in Dupont Circle called The Penalty Box, which is either a coincidence or a cry for help. Probably both.
The bartender, who asked to be identified only as “Stanislovsky” (He also asked for this spelling!), said the Blue Devil arrived alone, ordered a double, and sat at the end of the bar mumbling to himself.
The Devil stumbled out of The Penalty Box late Monday afternoon. This appears to be where it all really began.
The Incidents
What followed over the next few days was difficult to reconstruct in full, but the broad outline is as follows.
Late Monday night: Father Airellio of Our Lady of the Whatnots Church in Alexandria, VA reports that a Blue Devil appeared after hours at the doors of his church inebriated, seeking help. Airellio unfortunately could not accept a devil into his house, and turned him away.
Tuesday morning: the Blue Devil was asked to leave a Denny’s in Arlington, VA, after he began delivering what witnesses described as “an unsolicited and increasingly emotional breakdown of Duke’s second-half turnover rate” to a table of strangers eating the Grand Slam. He left when asked. He did not finish his eggs.
Tuesday afternoon: two officers responded to a disturbance at a sports bar in Georgetown where the Blue Devil had, according to the incident report, “attempted to challenge the television to a fight” after CBS replayed the final buzzer. No charges were filed. Officers described him as “cooperative but inconsolable.”
Tuesday night: a Ring camera near the National Mall captured footage of the Blue Devil sitting alone on a park bench at 2:17 a.m., apparently talking to the Washington Monument. Audio is unclear. Investigators believe he was explaining the pick-and-roll coverage breakdown in the final minute. The Monument did not respond, which he appeared to take personally.
The Tiger Woods Situation
Early Wednesday morning, a vehicle registered to Tiger Woods was found with fresh damage to the front bumper in a parking structure near Capitol Hill. Woods, who was arrested last Friday, suspected of DUI on Jupiter Island, Florida, may or may not have been involved in this, too. Insane as that might be.
“It was probably me,” Woods said in a statement. “I honestly don’t remember the full evening…wait which evening are we talking about? Where was this?”
Three witnesses report seeing the Blue Devil behind the wheel of a matching vehicle sometime around 1 a.m. Tiger Woods, to his credit, has not pressed the matter, and his statement has not been retracted.
Investigators are calling it “a uniquely American situation.”
The Reward
As of press time, Duke legend and Hall of Fame coach Mike Krzyzewski has organized a search effort with the help of Christian Laettner, Bobby Hurley, and Grant Hill. The four have collectively pooled a reward for information leading to the Blue Devil’s safe return.
The reward is fifty dollars.
“It’s what we could get together on short notice,” Coach K said in a brief statement. “We’ve all been going through our own thing with this loss. Christian took it particularly hard. We’re doing the best we can.”
Laettner confirmed he had contributed but declined to specify the amount. Hurley said he gave fifteen dollars and “would have given more but Arizona State paid shit, and well, the horse racing and all.” Grant Hill said he was “good for his share” and that he hoped the Blue Devil was somewhere safe, “eating something, drinking water, getting ready for next season.”
The $50 is being held in escrow by Coach K’s assistant.
It has not been claimed.
If You See Him
Authorities are asking that anyone with information regarding the Blue Devil’s current whereabouts contact the Duke Athletics tip line. He was last seen heading south on foot from the National Mall, still in full uniform, carrying what appeared to be a crumpled box score and a to-go cup from a bar that closed at 2 a.m.
He is considered emotionally distressed but not dangerous.
Coach K’s full statement, released Thursday morning, reads in part:
“We want him to know that one loss does not define a season, a program, or a legacy. We want him to know that we are proud of this team. We want him to come home…”
“But…and you know this, Blue, we’ve been over it before, not my actual home.”
Photo: Adam Glanzman / Wikimedia Commons · CC BY 2.0
