Waymo Confessions: Blooper, Northbound, Eight Up, Very Worried
Blooper has hemorrhoids, and it's been that way for three weeks. They started about the time the Braves' division lead felt real.
ATLANTA, GA — Our very own Fisher McBrowntrout shared a Waymo from Hartsfield-Jackson with Blooper on Monday evening following Atlanta’s 12-0 loss to the Miami Marlins. Traffic on 75 North stopped at the connector. The Waymo recalculated twice. What follows has been lightly edited for length.
MCBROWNTROUT: Walk me through the fifth inning.
BLOOPER: Javier Sanoja. Batting ninth. Three seventy-five to left. Grand slam. First of his career. Already 6-0 at that point.
MCBROWNTROUT: Off Bummer.
BLOOPER: Off Aaron Bummer. Yes. And then Edwards goes back-to-back right after. [looks out the window] The nine-hole. The nine-hole did that to us.
MCBROWNTROUT: Ritchie had a rough afternoon.
BLOOPER: Six in four. But this is what I worry about. Sale and Strider — and yes, Strider’s back, I know, I know. But Strider just got back. And after the two of them it’s Holmes, it’s Ritchie. Today it was Ritchie, and Ritchie gave up six in four to the Marlins.
[pause]
BLOOPER: [sigh] To the Marlins.
[The Waymo chimes. Route recalculated.]
MCBROWNTROUT: How are you holding up personally?
BLOOPER: I’ve had hemorrhoids. About three weeks now. Haven’t told the training staff — they’re for the players. Not for me.
MCBROWNTROUT: Why do you think it’s come to this?
BLOOPER: [shifts hard, grips the door handle] Because — okay. Okay. You want to know? Nobody asks me that. Nobody. I am out there every single game, every single game, and I care about this team as much as any man on that roster, and I am telling you right now that if Acuña gets a pulled hamstring there is a protocol for that. There is a protocol. And I am sitting in this car — [gestures at window] — in this traffic, and I cannot — I have a situation that has been going on for three weeks and there is no protocol for that because I am not a player, I am a character, and the priorities in professional sports are — I’m sorry, I —
[long pause. He exhales. Looks at his hands.]
BLOOPER: Oh. [quieter] You mean why the hemorrhoids.
[adjusts in seat]
BLOOPER: Yeah. I don’t really know.
[The traffic hasn’t moved. Blooper presses the help button on the overhead console and asks for the nearest restroom. The car says it will reroute. The interview ends at a Chevron on Windy Hill, where Blooper gets out.]
Photo: Thomson200 / Wikimedia Commons · Public domain
